i need a hobby: March 2007

my bully desire

this week has had zero productivity. pourquoi? je ne sais pas.
i've tried to do some work, but there's something unfulfilled in my heart that really isn't letting any other desires find fulfillment. qu'est-ce que c'est? i think it has everything to do with my desire or hope to find joy IN God alone, and not the many things I claim to do FOR God. This desire is dominating the playground of tasting good food, accomplishing h/w, enjoying all my friendships. Despite all of this, the most interesting thing in all of this is that I'm pretty confident. I have periodic moments of frustration.. in fact, i'm a little frustrated right now, and I was straight-up angry an hour ago. I think the confidence (that the bully will be satisfied and become more like a loving teacher) comes from some things running through my mind:

-a song lyric i just heard today, "because I'll never hold a picture of the whole horizon you have made", "makes me wonder, who am I... and great are you."

-that Jesus was silent during his suffering until God the Father turned his love from Christ. Then Christ cried out in affliction, and gave up his soul. What was it that made him so secure in God's love, and to value it above all else, even to the effect of his own death?

-that i find it so hard to live IN the gospel, instead of just theoretically believing it.

I think a lot of ppl who read this blog can identify with what I said, so feel free to add your thoughts.

repairing a heart designed for joy

hello friends,

there's this family in my church. They've got 5 daughters, and 1 boy... they pretty much make up our children's group. the boy is great, he's sporty, looks up to the big kids, acts tough, and looks after his sisters. he's pretty fashionable, i think his mom dresses him. best of all, the kid can pray. he's a got a sister around the same age, she p'wns the other 4 daughters, keeping them in check. the 4 youngest, well they're a riot. i've always been a little intimidated by them, cause two of them are twins, and they keep running arounding confusing me. The other can hold her own, and sings a lot. The youngest must be like 2, and she keeps smiling and chasing after the others. Her face is usually either beaming, showing all teeth, or scrunched up in extreme pain. she hasn't really captured the art of straddling the emotional spectrum, but she'll probly grow out of it when she learns how to talk.

last sunday, i had the priviledge of utilizing a walker (those things for seniors) to drive around the 3 middle girls. It was really awkward and fun. it was awkward cause i don't really do stuff like that. i'm pretty functional, i'm good at accomplishing goals. it was fun cause... well fun is what happens when little kids are pushed around in a senior's walker.

i don't have a really clear idea why encouraging those little girls to disrespect specialized vehicles for the elderly is so beneficial to my spiritual life and my joy. I don't really want to give out the theology, or analyze the experience. I'd rather savour it for now. so i'll just leave it at this.

P.S.
shout out to Margaret, the only person from ACI i know reads my blog periodically! She's great.